This film has been widely panned by many well-respected critics. I find this supposed conventional wisdom shameful. Although I acknowledge many shortcomings in this movie, there are some redeeming features for the aficionados of Hasbro’s iconoclastic line of toys. So, here it goes:
Disclaimer: My friend and I took in GI Joe at 1pm on a Thursday, both avoiding the crowds and any tasks that might have been expected of us at what is colloquially known as our “day jobs.” To celebrate the matinee experience, we also smuggled in multiple airplane bottles of hooch.
PROS
The re-creation of the GI Joe vehicles is totally sweet. They use every excuse possible to exhibit a variety of the uber-fantastic choppers, jets, jeeps, ships, snow mobiles, submarines, et al. that made the toys and the old cartoon so enjoyable. Of course, such diversity in equipment requires equally diverse settings – high-altitude dogfighting, undersea naval battles, treks across the arctic tundra or the vast empty desert. Note – as a viewer, do not try to understand or connect the requisite and rapid changes in settings that pervade the film. It will make you unhappy and possible sleepy. Please shut up and admire the hardware. Corollary note – there are other instances throughout the film where normal postulates of physics are ignored. One example (SPOILER ALERT) involves the sinking of large chunks of Arctic ice. Again, do not try to ask “In what universe does ice not float?” Besides, the answer is pretty simple – “In the universe where a self-imposed mute named Snake Eyes can cut something with a sword and it
is forced to explode.”
Chick fighting. So this is really the best part of the movie. But in a desire to avoid insensitivity, or worse, outright misogyny, I’ve decided to list it second. But, let’s be clear, it’s demotion is purely political.
First, it must be said that Scarlett is very very hot. That is, she is hot if you find red heads that wear skin-tight athletic gear while carrying heavy weaponry hot.
Second, while my film-going compatriot disagrees with me, I would go further and claim that Scarlett’s hotness is eclipsed (barely, but eclipsed nonetheless) by the surface-of-the-Sun hotness of the Baroness. The Baroness gets the nod for several reasons: (1) Black leather. If her outfit doesn’t pique your interest, go steal your Dad’s Viagra. (2) With the exception of a brief backstory foray, the Baroness is BAD. Not like Michael Jackson bad. More like a Catholic high school girl who just got into her parent’s liquor cabinet and is about to make an ex-boyfriend very jealous bad. Maybe I’m just more of a fan of Ginger than Maryanne, or maybe I have some latent tendencies for dead cow and/or the biker-bondage. Getting to the bottom of that desire is for another entry.
Stormshadow and Snake Eyes actually have multiple awesome ninja battles
(If you don’t know who those guys are, please don’t bother to see this fine film or continue reading this post.)
Although it’s clear that both are ninjas (meaning that they can flip out and kill shit ALL THE TIME; see realultimatepower.net for details) and as such they are the best fighters of Cobra and the Joes, respectively, they would rarely, if ever face off in the cartoon series. Yes, there would be chase scenes, Stormshadow would utter some “fightin’ words,” and the pace of the music would likely quicken – yet they would never actually fight. This was truly a tease – an animated blueball, if you like.
However, the movie is nowhere near as coy. Stormshadow and Snake Eyes not only square off several times in the present, but the fight as children as part of a backstory flashback. They adequately use cool ninja weapons, the scenes last for a ridiculously long amount of time, and other side characters do not interfere with the elegant and deadly dance between these two radical ninjas.
CONS
Dennis Quaid – really? The best you could get for Duke was Quaid? Oh, how the mighty have fallen since the 1986’s triumph of Innerspace.
Channing Tatum - Quaid’s contribution to the movie is only marginally better than the truly horrific acting on the part of Channing Tatum. There’s something about Tatum that reminds me of Eric Nies from the first season of the Real World, who represents the archetypical d-bag for all subsequent reality television shows. I realize that the movie needs a relatively good looking and buff male lead, but this movie also needed a leading dude with some ability to carry a joke. I’m not asking for Stephen Colbert or John Stewart, but Tatum’s inability to convey humor is a real downer – it’s truly a missed opportunity. In the pauses between awesome action scenes that defy the laws of common sense and physics (e.g., ice does not float; although the GI Joe “secret” base gets infiltrated and attacked, they continue to use it; apparently, secret bases must take a while to construct) it can be really hilarious.
OVERALL
As much as I enjoyed this movie, I can’t quite give this a “must-see” status. For maximum enjoyment, it requires a certain amount of prior cult knowledge on the part of the viewer and a sufficient quantity of spiked carbonated beverages. That being said, the chick-fighting is unparalleled. So, I give this the, “Highly encouraged for drunk guys at matinee prices” rating.
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